TMI Personified

About this time last year, I was working late one slow, winter night. These are my favorite times to work because the store is dead and my coworkers and I are free to mess around and shoot the shit. This particular night, my friend May was working the service desk and I was covering the self scan registers near the service desk. May and I, and a few other coworkers were standing around talking when a fella, I’ll call him TMI Ted, came to do a return at the desk. A few minutes passed and then TMI Ted left. May rushed out from behind the desk practically screaming and laughing. After we all stood in shock for a moment before we finally got May to tell us what had just happened. This is what she told us.

TMI Ted returned an open box of off-brand condoms. When May asked him why, he replied with, “It broke, and it wasn’t like I was being rough or anything.”

When May asked if he had the receipt, in order to do the return, TMI Ted struck again. “I don’t have the receipt. It, um, was stuck to the receipt when I took it off.”

“It” being the condom that broke. May was notorious for the comments she would make to customers, but we all loved her for it. So to this day I am still surprised she never said something to TMI Ted.

So while she was telling us about this interaction she just had, she was holding the open box of condoms. I can’t remember why, but she decided to look into the box. Next thing we know, the box went flying, May screamed in laughter and ran away, and I look down at the bench next to me and see an empty condom wrapper.

After we all stopped laughing ten minutes, I picked up the empty wrapper, threw it out and none of us forgot this sleepy winter night that introduced us to TMI Ted and his techniques.

Have any customers that tell you way too much? Share in the comments.

Save It

We have a woman who comes into the store that I like to call the Jesus lady. She leaves these cards on all the registers and hands them to the employees she interacts with. Like I’ve said before, I’m all for religious freedom and all, but I really, really don’t want or need you to hand me a card saying Jesus loves me. Save it for someone who cares, OK?

The Blonde and the Brunette

We had a new cashier working one slow day, April, who had a history of anxiety issues when the crazy woman came into the store. I was supervising that day when April called me with her voice shaking as she asked me to please come over to her lane, that there was a problem. So I rushed to her lane, seeing a young brunette loading her groceries on the belt as April continued to ring her up. I assumed that the problem was with her. When I asked what was going on, April couldn’t speak, her face was red and she seemed like she couldn’t breathe. So I looked at the brunette to explain. She said that the woman behind her, who I hadn’t seen until then, was screaming and swearing at her. The brunette felt uncomfortable and wanted me to take care of it. The woman behind her was an older blonde who looked frightened, but definitely had crazy eyes; she was looking all over the place.

The blonde then started yelling about how the brunette was lying and I shouldn’t believe a word she says. I shut April’s lane down so no one else would be involved in this, and went around to talk to the blonde. Her arms were overflowing with stuff and she had set some of it down on the end of the belt. This is how my conversation with the blonde went.

The Blonde: This woman is lying, I would never yell or swear! I was dropping things so I set them down and she started to harass me for it.

Me: Ok, why don’t I take you to the next lane and ring you up there. Ok?

-I picked up some of her items and started walking her to the next register.

The Blonde: You need to check her for weapons, I just know that she is going to hurt me.

Me: I really don’t think she has any weapons, ma’am.

-I set her items on the belt and started to ring her up.

As I am ringing her up, she is babbling on and on about how the brunette is a horrible person who abused her and she is now scarred for life. I know this woman is crazy, so I just nod and say I’m sorry over and over like good Ziggler employees are supposed to. As I’m finishing her order, I hand her the receipt, told her to have a great day and apologized again.

The Blonde: I want to speak with a real manager. You have humiliated me today and I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and it’s your fault.

I was speechless, but pissed. A real manager? Seriously?

Me: Alright, I’ll call a real manager for you. Just one second.

I called my boss, Billy Bob, told him I had a customer looking for a real manager and he rushed out of his office, knowing from the tone in my voice that it was serious. Billy Bob came to speak with the blonde, while I went to grab a $5 gift card for the brunette. I gave her the gift card and apologized profusely for the incident.

Billy Bob spoke with the blonde for twenty minutes or so before having to walk her to her car because she was still convinced the brunette, who had left fifteen minutes before her, was waiting to attack her in the parking lot. When he came back inside, I confronted him immediately.

Me: That woman is bat shit crazy, isn’t she?

Billy Bob: Yes, she most definitely is. I’d still like to talk to April about how everything started.

Me: OK, what did she say?

Billy Bob: She couldn’t keep her story straight. First, she said she dropped her stuff and the woman yelled at her. Then she said that the woman was helping her when her things started to fall. After that she claimed the woman was trying to take the items for herself. The she said she would never swear, but maybe she might have, but only a little. She wasn’t sure which way was up. Bat shit crazy for sure!

Have any wild stories? Feel free to comment and share!

Fat Guy in a Little Cart

Let me introduce to you one of the least liked customers of Ziggler, someone we all dread seeing. The Fat Amigo Guy comes into the store 3 or 4 times a week with his equally awful wife. This man is anywhere between 300 and 400 pounds and always rides in our motorized carts, or amigos. While in the amigo, anytime he sees an employee, he gets a look of pure evil in his eyes and laughs menacingly and tries to run over the employee. He always swerves out of the way, always at the last second, but he might get a toe or two first. After trying to run us over, he then stops to chat us up and over share.

Fat Amigo Guy is a Vietnam Veteran, so 9 times out of 10, he will talk about that. He especially likes to tell his skinny dipping story. I’ve been forced to hear it twice already and have almost thrown up my lunch twice. I’m positive that he was more than half his size while in Vietnam, but while he is telling this story about some USO “dancers” flying in to see his platoon, and them all skinny dipping in a lake, all I can think of is his 400 pound ass naked.

The first interaction I had with the Fat Amigo Guy was a mostly silent one, but made me hate him instantly. I had just started working at Ziggler and had never seen or waited on the Fat Amigo Guy or his wife before. I was in our café area eating my lunch alone, just minding my business, when Fat Amigo Guy rolled up to a table with some donuts and a coffee with his wife. They were just eating and minding their business when the wife walked away and the Fat Amigo Guy grabbed the bag the donuts came in. He started to blow into the bag and looked right at me. I smiled and nodded to be the polite Ziggler worker, when he asked if he should pop it. I asked him what he meant, and he put his hand close to the bottom of the blown up bag, laughed his evil little laugh, and asked if he should pop it. I said, “No, it could scare someone, and it’s rude, you definitely shouldn’t pop it.” He laughed like a villain from a horror movie and popped the bag. It sounded like gunshot and everyone around looked at me. My manager came running over wondering what had happened. Fat Amigo Guy rode away in his cart and told everyone I said it was okay if he popped it. A dick move if you ask me.

Fat Amigo Guy terrorizes the employees and even other customers, especially kids. We all curse under our breath when he comes in and let out a sigh of relief when he rides out of the store.

Do you have any customers you dread seeing too?

He Said What?

With the post about religion yesterday, I have been reminded about a particularly strict Christian man that visited Ziggler last year. I can’t believe I forgot about him, considering just how memorable he was.

I was working at the service desk on a really slow day when a man in his 60’s-70’s came to the desk. This is what he said to me.

“I don’t want to speak with a manager but I want you to tell them exactly what I am  about to say to you. This store makes me sick, it is an abomination. I am deeply offended by your unisex bathroom. You allow men and woman to use the restroom at the same   time and commit sins. Your store provides a room for men and women to fornicate.”

I was stunned. Was he serious? Was he sick? I stuttered and tried to find the words for a man who was clearly all sorts of crazy. Before I could say anything he continued.

“I want you to know that I am the editor of a widely read magazine and I will be writing about this sinful place and my all of my readers will boycott this store. My words will be read by 120,000 people across the country and you will be run out of business. I will never shop here again or any other store that has a unisex bathroom.”

I tried to tell him that the unisex bathroom is meant for families and men and women are not allowed in together at the same time. I also really wanted to say that I wasn’t too worried about losing the business of a bunch of nutcases who actually believe a store would provide a “Fornication Room”.  I still shake my head and think about how serious this man was in his belief that a unisex bathroom was made for shacking up.

Moral of the story: Unisex bathrooms-for families, not fornicating.

She Said What?

Let me start this post off with a warning, it’s about religion. And let me tell you a little about myself to better understand what I find so wrong with what I am about to tell you. I am not a religious person. I don’t believe in God. But I have an immense of respect for those who do. I find it admirable that someone can have that much faith in something they have no reason to believe in. I don’t go on rants about Christians being idiots, because I don’t think they are and because we all have the right to believe in what we want. For goodness sake, some people believe an alien exploded and his body parts scattered across the globe. It’s all relative.

Now to my story. About a year ago I was switching back and forth between cashiering and working up at the service desk a lot. The first woman who unnerved me was in her late 20’s and came to the service desk one day. She had some kind of situation that was complicated, involving departments and managers. I don’t remember what is was, but I know that I spent a lot of time trying to help her. After it was all said and done, she thanked me over and over again for helping her. As she went to walk away, she stopped and stepped towards me. She then asked me, “Is there anything you would like me to pray for, for you today?” I was completely caught off guard. I had no idea where this had come from and admittedly I just stared at her for a full minute. I finally said, “Nope can’t think of anything. Have a great day.”

Now at Ziggler, we have employees and customers who wish people a blessed day, so a random person asking to pray for me, was well, weird but nothing to write home about. It was this incident and the next that really bothered me.

I was cashiering and an older woman, mid to late 50’s, came through my line. She had a very distinct southern accent when she dove right into the chit chat and asked me, “Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” I didn’t quite hear her, or I had hoped I hadn’t heard her, so I asked her what she said. “Have you been saved child?” she said. Immediately my stomach dropped. I didn’t want to be rude, well that’s a lie. I wanted to scream at her and say, “How is that any of your damn business!” but we work retail and we can’t say these things. Instead, I was honest and said, “No, ma’am, I am not.” This just fueled her bible boulder and she ran me right over with it. “Well you do know that he died for your sins, and that he loves all his children, right?” The sinner in me wanted to say that I call out to Jesus during certain sinful acts, but again, can’t be rude, so I just smiled and nodded. She continued to give her sermon when I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I said, “I may not believe in God, but I respect those who do and I expect them to respect me as well.” I kept my head down, continued her order and thankfully, she didn’t say anything else to me that day or any other that she’s been in the store. That day I went around asking all my coworker and managers if I had “whore” or “sinner” written across my forehead. For if two separate woman offered to save me, and pray for me, I must be giving off some kind of vibe. I’m sorry, but I’m ringing up your groceries, not at confessional. Keep your religion at home and at church please.

Don’t Call Me That

Let me introduce you to the old man who I like to call The Sexist. The Sexist is probably in his seventies with skin that looks like crumpled tissue paper. He comes into the store a few times a week for lottery and to just walk around talking to all the lovely ladies at Ziggler. The Sexist is very loud and very opinionated. The thing that bothers us the most at Ziggler, is that he will only call the women “Toots” or “Doll face”. And the things he says after calling us Toots, well, it’s just as bad. He told Jo-Jo once that she should tell our boss that she was going on break and come out to his car with him for an hour. He is always asking me when my next day off is because he wants to take me to the casino. And what’s worse is that he is one of those close talkers. He likes to lean right over the counter of the service desk or over the register and talks right next to your face. Creepy doesn’t begin to cover it. Jo-Jo has had the most interaction with The Sexist and has the most stories to tell. Apparently, he told her that she should never come into work again with chipped nail polish. Jo-Jo has a few tattoos, as do I and The Sexist told her that she shouldn’t get anymore, that’s for “the ugly broads”. The Sexist is a lonely old man who comes into Ziggler to stare at the young girls and then berate them. We put up with a lot at Ziggler, as do all retail workers and The Sexist is just one more customer we have to smile and nod at.

Mini Horror Stories

With such a high turnaround rate in retail, we see new faces all the time. The majority of our employees are high school or college kids working their first or second job at Ziggler. And most of the time they are terrified of screwing up. So those of us who have been here a year, two or even thirty will tell stories to either scare the newbies or put them at ease. We’ll tell stories to try and one-up each other with the craziest customer, the worst mistake or something along those lines. The following are a few of the mini stories from co-workers and one of my own.

When our utility workers were complaining about a customer found huffing paint in the parking lot, and how they refused to work in such horrible conditions my boss told them a story to make them thankful for their jobs in a quiet suburban town. My boss, let’s say Samson is his name, told us that a utility worker at a different store, while pushing carts on the lot, found a paper bag with a severed human hand in it. Talk about a five finger discount.

When I started working at the service desk, my friends Nicki and May told me their worst customer situations. Nicki said a guy got pissed at her for refusing a return and told her he would wait outside for her and kill her when she left work. And when May refused a return at a different store, the man tried to jump across the counter to choke her. I was petrified of denying a return after that and am I still not a fan of not knowing how a customer will react when I say no.

A co-worker Reed once had a customer go ballistic on him when our store ran out of paper bags. He was a utility worker who I had recently trained as a cashier. The woman didn’t care that Reed spent 15 minutes sending everyone around to look for more paper bags or that he looked everywhere himself. She wanted him to know that she was never shopping at Ziggler again, and that he was a horrible person and our store was terrible. “It’s an abomination that this store doesn’t have any paper bags, I want paper bags!” she screamed. I watched him get screamed at from the service desk and laughed when I heard that she had come in shopping the very next day.

This next story is one I tell cashiers and utility workers to make them feel better about a mistake they’ve made. When they forget to do trash, piss off the boss, a customer forgot their bags, or they gave back the wrong change, I tell this story so they know that shit happens and that they won’t be fired for silly mistakes. We’re human. So the story goes:

It’s the holiday season 2010, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was working with two other coworkers at the service desk and we were slammed. While I was busy with a customer, a man came to the desk with his TV in a cart. Not a TV in a box, just a TV, a 42” plasma screen TV. He asked if it was alright if he went back to electronics, something wasn’t working with his TV and he wanted to see if they could fix it or if he could exchange it for a new one. I was busy, so I looked at him with a clear, “What did you say?” face. He then said, “Your greeter said I should check up here. Wal-Mart has those stickers when you come in with something, so I just wanted to let you know, I came in with this thing, I’m not stealing it or anything,” and he laughed at the end, as if stealing a TV was so absurd for this man. Not really paying attention I said he was fine and to go ahead. Didn’t give him another thought until the next day when I was contacted by Loss Prevention. LP asked if I remembered a guy wearing a Cardinals jersey. I told her I see 300 people a day just at the desk, I don’t see what they are wearing. “A guy with a TV in his cart?” she asked. Of course I remembered him. When I asked why she wanted to know, she asked me what he said to me, “I want to hear his story.” After I told her, she said he stole the TV. My heart dropped, I was fired for sure. I didn’t have the money to replace the TV, so I knew I was going to be fired. She said the tape showed him walking into the store with a cart towards electronics, unscrewing the display TV from the wall, talking to me and walking right out the door with a free TV. I never got in trouble; I was never written up or verbally reprimanded. I sure as hell hope whoever was supposed to be in electronics that day was though. So when employees freak out about their tiny mistakes, I just tell them, “I let a guy steal a TV, and I’m still here, you’ll be fine.”

What We Wish We Could Say

The last two days of work have been, to say the least, god-awful. This has led me to make a list of all the things I hate about customer behavior. With the help of some coworkers, here is the list of everything we wish we could say to the crazies. In no particular order, the list:

1. If my light is off on a lane, but I’m finishing an order, that is not an invitation to come through. Thanks for keeping me at work because you can’t be bothered to look up.
2. A policy at Ziggler is that if we don’t have a customer, we are to be at the end of our lane, inviting customers in. If my light is on, and I am standing in front of my line, you don’t need to ask “Are you open?” Yes, I am open, why the hell else would I just be standing here?
3. We hate re-useable bags. I understand the point, I have my own actually. But if you want to use them, go through the self scan and pack them yourself. They are impossible.
4. However, I prefer re-useable bags to paper bags, or even the pinnacle of crazy, two paper bags packed inside two plastic bags. I get that you don’t want your stuff to fall through the bag, but seriously? Seriously?
5. If you are using re-usable bags, use our store’s brand please, or something similar to it. I don’t like having to use my knee and hip to hold up the duffel bag you’ve brought in. I especially don’t want to hear that it’s too heavy when you told me to “fill it up”.
6. While I am ringing up your groceries, it is not an opportunity to treat me like your therapist. I don’t need to know your daughter is having issues with her boyfriend, that your mom is in a nursing home or that your husband hasn’t slept with you in months.  There is such a thing as TMI.
7. We will refuse to talk to you if you are making no effort to end your phone conversation while in my line. It is rude, I am judging you, and like #5, TMI.
8. Don’t get mad at me when your bridge, WIC or credit card are declined. Stuff happens, I’ve been there. But I did not spend all your money, so don’t yell at me like I did. It’s awkward enough having to tell you it was declined, don’t make it worse by screaming at me.
9. We all hate when you walk into our lines when we are slow, and ask, “Are you waiting for me?” It’s not cute or funny and will make us hate you already.
10. I understand you might be in a hurry, but I don’t appreciate when you rip the bag out of my hands as I am filling it. Then you complain I didn’t put enough in it. That’s because I wasn’t finished!
11. If you have decided while in my line that you’ve changed your mind about an item, don’t shove it in the gum and candy. Just hand it to me. This applies especially to cold items.
12. If an item doesn’t ring up the first time I scan it, please refrain from saying, “It must be free”. Nothing is free. Ever.
13. If you are going to use coupons, make sure you are buying that item. And have actually read the coupon. If you are supposed to buy four of something and only have two, I will not apply the coupon because you “didn’t know”. We are not just handing you money. It’s a grocery store, not where your dreams come true.
14. If you are using a self scan register and need some help, please, for the love of god, say excuse me to get my attention. I will resent you and purposefully be rude and unhelpful if you snapped, whistled or yelled “Hey girl!” to get my attention.
15. If you are going to use a self scan register, have some sense to know how the thing works. Produce needs to be weighed, and you can’t ring something up until you’ve bagged the previous item. It’s not rocket science, and the thing barks out instructions that are written on the screen. Don’t be dense.

That’s my list so far, but there is more. There’s always more. If you have any to add, feel free to comment.

Crazy Coupon Lady

I am posting twice today because our famous Crazy Coupon Lady graced us with her presence today. In order to understand how crazy this woman is, I should first explain our coupon policy at Ziggler. We double coupons up to 50 cents, but only for two coupons that are the same. This Crazy Coupon Lady thinks she has our policy memorized but tries to work around it all the time. She has harassed every single cashier whose line she has gone through. Since she thinks all our cashiers are incompetent, she has made it a habit to use our self scan registers, but screams at the cashiers that have to come over and approve all of her coupons individually. She only rings up a few items at a time, every item has a coupon, and she doesn’t hesitate to scream at you if she doesn’t get every cent off she thinks she deserves. Let me tell you about my time with her today.

I was working the service desk today, when I saw the Crazy Coupon Lady approach. I knew immediately that my day wasn’t going to get any better. She threw a bag on the counter and said “I didn’t get a $4 catalina coupon that was supposed to print out.” I pull out our weekly ad to check what deal she was talking about. Most of the time you have to buy specific items in order to get a coupon to print out. She then told me it wasn’t in our ad. So I started to call the Health and Beauty department person so they could check the sign and tell me what it says. She then told me there wasn’t a sign. I don’t know about you, but it seems like common sense that there should be some proof of a sale or deal before claiming that you are owed money. But Crazy Coupon Lady doesn’t work on a level of common sense. When I told her if we have no proof of the deal, I can’t just give her the money. She threw the contents of the bag onto the counter and threw her receipt at me and told me that I was wasting her time and to just return her four items. I apologized like a proper Ziggler employee, and started to do the return. Her daughter (one of the three she has trained in the art of pain in the ass-ery) then walked up and Crazy Coupon Lady yelled about how I was a waste of time and I refused to help her. Her daughter pulled up the deal on her phone, but I can’t rely on that in order to compensate her. My manager, we’ll call him Billy Bob, came up to the desk for some paperwork and Crazy Coupon Lady sprung on him, verbally I mean. She has his face and name memorized since he “is the only intelligent one who will help her at our god forsaken store”. She started talking about how they had this problem earlier this week and that he needed to “educate your girl” (pointing at me) and that she wasn’t going to shop here if he didn’t.

I can’t tell you how much we all wish she wouldn’t shop here anymore. Billy Bob and I were talking about how our goal is to piss her off so much that she never comes back. We have plenty of customers who take advantage of our coupons, me included, but I don’t make it my whole life. This woman literally has nothing else to live for than to make all our lives more miserable than they already are working in a dead end, minimum wage job.

Comment and share your own crazy coupon lady or gents, stories.