The Gems of Ziggler

I haven’t really had any really crazy customers lately, but we at Ziggler are sure getting our fair share of slightly crazy.

Like Johnny at the service desk, he had two women who made quite the impression. The first woman came in to return a shirt. Too bad it was the shirt she was wearing when she came into the store. She told Johnny, “This is a small, and I need a large, what should I do?” Johnny just looked at her, dumbfounded by this woman’s stupidity and just told her to grab the right shirt, change in the dressing room and then he would do the exchange after. Like Johnny said, “Typical blonde”.

The next woman who came in had some problems with getting her tongue tied. This is the exchange Johnny had with this woman.

“My son is allergic to penis, I mean peanuts, and I need to return this candy because it has penis, I mean peanuts in it. I swear I’m not saying that on purpose, I’m sorry.” Johnny had to use all of his energy not to laugh in her face.

Sally Mae also told me a story about how she told a woman to have a nice day, something we are contractually obligated to say to every customer, and the woman slowly took off her sunglasses, looked Sally Mae dead in the eye and said, “My son has cancer,” put her sunglasses back on and left. Sorry about your son, but what the hell are we supposed to say to that?

And today, I had an awful woman who fought me over a pineapple, actually shoving me aside at one point. I was working the self scan registers and she had picked out a pineapple that had no UPC on it. She hollered at me to come help her and constantly reminded me that she was in hurry. Which, let me tell you, has the complete opposite effect, it just makes me want to take my sweet time. I had someone grab a new pineapple, one with a UPC and rang it up for her. My intention, and what common sense tells you, is that she take the pineapple without the tag and I put the one with a tag back on the shelf, so the next customer doesn’t have to go through the hassle. As I went to hand the pineapple with the tag to another employee, the woman shoved me aside and grabbed for the other pineapple. “I want that one! Give it to me.” I was instantly taken back to the days when I worked in a daycare and she sounded just like a toddler. I told her I was going to put it back and she yelled again, “I want that one!” I shoved the pineapple at her and said, very loudly and rudely, “Whatever.”

These have been our slightly crazies, hopefully that will tide you all over until we get another douzy at Ziggler.

It’s a Jungle Out There

While messing around with Sally Mae today at work, I happened to remember an incident at the service desk, I had previously completely forgotten about. The first summer I worked at Ziggler, I was alone at the desk one day and it was the first time that I had been slammed. I was overwhelmed with customers, the piles stacking up behind the service desk when a woman came into the line with two of the Garden Center carts. Each cart was full of bushes and trees that were taller than my 5’2” self.

I remember just looking at her and instantly hating my life. I hated this woman and whatever reason brought her to the desk at that precise moment in time. She had her receipt, thankfully, and all of the bushes and trees all had the tags still attached, also a blessing. The reason she was returning these bushes and trees was absolutely beyond ridiculous.

“My neighbor said he would kill them. He said they were an eye sore and that I had better get rid of them or he would kill them.” She told me with panic in her voice. It was as if these trees and bushes were actually people this man was going to kill in front of her like a sacrifice.

I just looked at her in complete shock; she was my first crazy customer. I had no idea how to make my face neutral and not show how completely insane she sounded. “What do you mean, he is going to kill them?” was all I could muster.

“He’s going to poison them!” She shouted. She looked at me with such fear, like I should understand her plight and dial the police for her. “I just can’t let him do that. I have to get my money back, or else he’ll kill them!”

I just raised my eyebrows in a “what else can I do” kind of way and did the return. I remember her saying goodbye to the plants, and customers looking at me like I was crazy for the rest of the day because the whole customer service area was covered in plants.

That’s the day I realized how much I would hate working at Ziggler.

Fat Guy in a Little Cart

Let me introduce to you one of the least liked customers of Ziggler, someone we all dread seeing. The Fat Amigo Guy comes into the store 3 or 4 times a week with his equally awful wife. This man is anywhere between 300 and 400 pounds and always rides in our motorized carts, or amigos. While in the amigo, anytime he sees an employee, he gets a look of pure evil in his eyes and laughs menacingly and tries to run over the employee. He always swerves out of the way, always at the last second, but he might get a toe or two first. After trying to run us over, he then stops to chat us up and over share.

Fat Amigo Guy is a Vietnam Veteran, so 9 times out of 10, he will talk about that. He especially likes to tell his skinny dipping story. I’ve been forced to hear it twice already and have almost thrown up my lunch twice. I’m positive that he was more than half his size while in Vietnam, but while he is telling this story about some USO “dancers” flying in to see his platoon, and them all skinny dipping in a lake, all I can think of is his 400 pound ass naked.

The first interaction I had with the Fat Amigo Guy was a mostly silent one, but made me hate him instantly. I had just started working at Ziggler and had never seen or waited on the Fat Amigo Guy or his wife before. I was in our café area eating my lunch alone, just minding my business, when Fat Amigo Guy rolled up to a table with some donuts and a coffee with his wife. They were just eating and minding their business when the wife walked away and the Fat Amigo Guy grabbed the bag the donuts came in. He started to blow into the bag and looked right at me. I smiled and nodded to be the polite Ziggler worker, when he asked if he should pop it. I asked him what he meant, and he put his hand close to the bottom of the blown up bag, laughed his evil little laugh, and asked if he should pop it. I said, “No, it could scare someone, and it’s rude, you definitely shouldn’t pop it.” He laughed like a villain from a horror movie and popped the bag. It sounded like gunshot and everyone around looked at me. My manager came running over wondering what had happened. Fat Amigo Guy rode away in his cart and told everyone I said it was okay if he popped it. A dick move if you ask me.

Fat Amigo Guy terrorizes the employees and even other customers, especially kids. We all curse under our breath when he comes in and let out a sigh of relief when he rides out of the store.

Do you have any customers you dread seeing too?

He Said What?

With the post about religion yesterday, I have been reminded about a particularly strict Christian man that visited Ziggler last year. I can’t believe I forgot about him, considering just how memorable he was.

I was working at the service desk on a really slow day when a man in his 60’s-70’s came to the desk. This is what he said to me.

“I don’t want to speak with a manager but I want you to tell them exactly what I am  about to say to you. This store makes me sick, it is an abomination. I am deeply offended by your unisex bathroom. You allow men and woman to use the restroom at the same   time and commit sins. Your store provides a room for men and women to fornicate.”

I was stunned. Was he serious? Was he sick? I stuttered and tried to find the words for a man who was clearly all sorts of crazy. Before I could say anything he continued.

“I want you to know that I am the editor of a widely read magazine and I will be writing about this sinful place and my all of my readers will boycott this store. My words will be read by 120,000 people across the country and you will be run out of business. I will never shop here again or any other store that has a unisex bathroom.”

I tried to tell him that the unisex bathroom is meant for families and men and women are not allowed in together at the same time. I also really wanted to say that I wasn’t too worried about losing the business of a bunch of nutcases who actually believe a store would provide a “Fornication Room”.  I still shake my head and think about how serious this man was in his belief that a unisex bathroom was made for shacking up.

Moral of the story: Unisex bathrooms-for families, not fornicating.

Don’t Call Me That

Let me introduce you to the old man who I like to call The Sexist. The Sexist is probably in his seventies with skin that looks like crumpled tissue paper. He comes into the store a few times a week for lottery and to just walk around talking to all the lovely ladies at Ziggler. The Sexist is very loud and very opinionated. The thing that bothers us the most at Ziggler, is that he will only call the women “Toots” or “Doll face”. And the things he says after calling us Toots, well, it’s just as bad. He told Jo-Jo once that she should tell our boss that she was going on break and come out to his car with him for an hour. He is always asking me when my next day off is because he wants to take me to the casino. And what’s worse is that he is one of those close talkers. He likes to lean right over the counter of the service desk or over the register and talks right next to your face. Creepy doesn’t begin to cover it. Jo-Jo has had the most interaction with The Sexist and has the most stories to tell. Apparently, he told her that she should never come into work again with chipped nail polish. Jo-Jo has a few tattoos, as do I and The Sexist told her that she shouldn’t get anymore, that’s for “the ugly broads”. The Sexist is a lonely old man who comes into Ziggler to stare at the young girls and then berate them. We put up with a lot at Ziggler, as do all retail workers and The Sexist is just one more customer we have to smile and nod at.

What We Wish We Could Say

The last two days of work have been, to say the least, god-awful. This has led me to make a list of all the things I hate about customer behavior. With the help of some coworkers, here is the list of everything we wish we could say to the crazies. In no particular order, the list:

1. If my light is off on a lane, but I’m finishing an order, that is not an invitation to come through. Thanks for keeping me at work because you can’t be bothered to look up.
2. A policy at Ziggler is that if we don’t have a customer, we are to be at the end of our lane, inviting customers in. If my light is on, and I am standing in front of my line, you don’t need to ask “Are you open?” Yes, I am open, why the hell else would I just be standing here?
3. We hate re-useable bags. I understand the point, I have my own actually. But if you want to use them, go through the self scan and pack them yourself. They are impossible.
4. However, I prefer re-useable bags to paper bags, or even the pinnacle of crazy, two paper bags packed inside two plastic bags. I get that you don’t want your stuff to fall through the bag, but seriously? Seriously?
5. If you are using re-usable bags, use our store’s brand please, or something similar to it. I don’t like having to use my knee and hip to hold up the duffel bag you’ve brought in. I especially don’t want to hear that it’s too heavy when you told me to “fill it up”.
6. While I am ringing up your groceries, it is not an opportunity to treat me like your therapist. I don’t need to know your daughter is having issues with her boyfriend, that your mom is in a nursing home or that your husband hasn’t slept with you in months.  There is such a thing as TMI.
7. We will refuse to talk to you if you are making no effort to end your phone conversation while in my line. It is rude, I am judging you, and like #5, TMI.
8. Don’t get mad at me when your bridge, WIC or credit card are declined. Stuff happens, I’ve been there. But I did not spend all your money, so don’t yell at me like I did. It’s awkward enough having to tell you it was declined, don’t make it worse by screaming at me.
9. We all hate when you walk into our lines when we are slow, and ask, “Are you waiting for me?” It’s not cute or funny and will make us hate you already.
10. I understand you might be in a hurry, but I don’t appreciate when you rip the bag out of my hands as I am filling it. Then you complain I didn’t put enough in it. That’s because I wasn’t finished!
11. If you have decided while in my line that you’ve changed your mind about an item, don’t shove it in the gum and candy. Just hand it to me. This applies especially to cold items.
12. If an item doesn’t ring up the first time I scan it, please refrain from saying, “It must be free”. Nothing is free. Ever.
13. If you are going to use coupons, make sure you are buying that item. And have actually read the coupon. If you are supposed to buy four of something and only have two, I will not apply the coupon because you “didn’t know”. We are not just handing you money. It’s a grocery store, not where your dreams come true.
14. If you are using a self scan register and need some help, please, for the love of god, say excuse me to get my attention. I will resent you and purposefully be rude and unhelpful if you snapped, whistled or yelled “Hey girl!” to get my attention.
15. If you are going to use a self scan register, have some sense to know how the thing works. Produce needs to be weighed, and you can’t ring something up until you’ve bagged the previous item. It’s not rocket science, and the thing barks out instructions that are written on the screen. Don’t be dense.

That’s my list so far, but there is more. There’s always more. If you have any to add, feel free to comment.

Crazy Coupon Lady

I am posting twice today because our famous Crazy Coupon Lady graced us with her presence today. In order to understand how crazy this woman is, I should first explain our coupon policy at Ziggler. We double coupons up to 50 cents, but only for two coupons that are the same. This Crazy Coupon Lady thinks she has our policy memorized but tries to work around it all the time. She has harassed every single cashier whose line she has gone through. Since she thinks all our cashiers are incompetent, she has made it a habit to use our self scan registers, but screams at the cashiers that have to come over and approve all of her coupons individually. She only rings up a few items at a time, every item has a coupon, and she doesn’t hesitate to scream at you if she doesn’t get every cent off she thinks she deserves. Let me tell you about my time with her today.

I was working the service desk today, when I saw the Crazy Coupon Lady approach. I knew immediately that my day wasn’t going to get any better. She threw a bag on the counter and said “I didn’t get a $4 catalina coupon that was supposed to print out.” I pull out our weekly ad to check what deal she was talking about. Most of the time you have to buy specific items in order to get a coupon to print out. She then told me it wasn’t in our ad. So I started to call the Health and Beauty department person so they could check the sign and tell me what it says. She then told me there wasn’t a sign. I don’t know about you, but it seems like common sense that there should be some proof of a sale or deal before claiming that you are owed money. But Crazy Coupon Lady doesn’t work on a level of common sense. When I told her if we have no proof of the deal, I can’t just give her the money. She threw the contents of the bag onto the counter and threw her receipt at me and told me that I was wasting her time and to just return her four items. I apologized like a proper Ziggler employee, and started to do the return. Her daughter (one of the three she has trained in the art of pain in the ass-ery) then walked up and Crazy Coupon Lady yelled about how I was a waste of time and I refused to help her. Her daughter pulled up the deal on her phone, but I can’t rely on that in order to compensate her. My manager, we’ll call him Billy Bob, came up to the desk for some paperwork and Crazy Coupon Lady sprung on him, verbally I mean. She has his face and name memorized since he “is the only intelligent one who will help her at our god forsaken store”. She started talking about how they had this problem earlier this week and that he needed to “educate your girl” (pointing at me) and that she wasn’t going to shop here if he didn’t.

I can’t tell you how much we all wish she wouldn’t shop here anymore. Billy Bob and I were talking about how our goal is to piss her off so much that she never comes back. We have plenty of customers who take advantage of our coupons, me included, but I don’t make it my whole life. This woman literally has nothing else to live for than to make all our lives more miserable than they already are working in a dead end, minimum wage job.

Comment and share your own crazy coupon lady or gents, stories.

The Names We Create

One of the great things my co-workers and I do when we are having particularly bad days is to talk about our all time favorite regulars or the greatest of the craziest customers we’ve had. For most of the awful customers, we have created nicknames for them. We have the Walnut Guy, the crazy coupon lady (although this name could apply to so many of our customers), the woman hater, and doll-face guy. We create these names in order to make the awful experience of dealing with these people more lighthearted, and humorous. If you don’t, these interactions can eat away at you and your confidence. You will start to take the interaction where a person bashes your intelligence, calls you horrible names or even threatens your life, as something you’ve done wrong. My advice for all retail workers is work with a smile and a sense of humor. Don’t get me wrong, I will admit to crying at work because of horrible customers and from being overwhelmed with it all. But I’ve learned that you have to laugh it off. So you know what I mean, let me share the story of the Walnut Guy.

To this day he has been the most awful, horrible customer our store has had. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2010, the Walnut Guy graced us with his presence twice. My co-worker, we’ll refer to her as Sally Mae, was 8 months pregnant when the Walnut guy came to the service desk. He was irate already because he went through our self-scan registers the day before (meaning he rang himself through, with no help from the professionals) and claimed that we had overcharged him on his large bag of bulk walnuts (hence the name). Around this time we sell in shell nuts for a low price, but walnuts are in a different bin, on sale but with a different number to be rung up. He rang the walnut number, not the bulk in shell number, meaning he paid twice as much. When Sally Mae was looking through the bag, only a few of nuts looked the same, causing her to ask, “Are these all walnuts here?” The man screamed back, “Are you f^#!ing retarded? Of course these are all walnuts! You’d have to be f^$@ing stupid not to know these are all walnuts.” Sally Mae just kept her mouth shut and did the adjustment for him so she could get rid of him. Sally Mae and another co-worker Jo-Jo, were then called “stupid high school girls” and “idiots” in the few minutes it took to do the adjustment. A few days later I had my own interaction with the Walnut Guy. He came up to the desk with a pair of jeans, wanting to exchange it for another size. I asked him to find the pair he wanted and I would do a return and re-buy for him. When he came back up, I did the exchange, and when it printed out the receipt, it also printed a gift receipt, something our system does automatically around the holiday season. He asked why he kept getting these, holding out the gift receipt. I explained that it was automatic and for the customers convenience, and he asked if there was a price on it. I said no, and corrected myself by saying that you can’t see a price on the receipt, but that if you gave the jeans and the receipt to someone as a gift and they returned it, they would know how much it was. He then looked at me and said, “So its a hidden price?” When I nodded, he then said, “So I had to figure your job out for you then?” I was irritated so I just said, “Yeah, I guess. Have a great day, thanks for coming in.” He then stood in front of me looking at the gift receipt for another five minutes. Not wanting to match his rudeness, I let him stand there while I looked on, waiting for him to leave. When he saw that I was looking at him, he yelled out, “Why are you staring at me? I figured your job out for you and now you are going to stare at me? Get the f^#$ over yourself.” All I could do was stare at him, confounded at where this was coming from. As he finally walked away from the desk, he repeatedly yelled, “Get the f@%$ over yourself!”

This was the last time any of us saw the Walnut Guy, thankfully. But a year later whenever one of the newer kids has a bad customer, we tell the story of the Walnut Guy and laugh about how ridiculous he was, and it makes all of us feel a little better about our awful dead end jobs and the customers that come in just to harass us.

Feel free to comment with your own bad customer story or any of the nicknames you have for them. I’d love to see what other crazies are out there.